I came from a family of 6 kids, of which I'm the eldest, each with a unique, strong, and loud personality. My parents were total type B personalities, and everything functioned with little order, direction, no time-awareness, basically, our house what total chaos at all times. I can remember, however, in my younger years, when there were only 3 of us, my parents had a much more intentional, orderly approach to parenting. My husband is the oldest of 3, there are 6 years between him and his brother, and their baby sister is by far the most mature out of the family. Overall his family is much quieter, and subdued, and generally more compliant with regards to the other people living in the home. But in my husband's home, his parents were not reformed. From each of our circumstances, we knew what we didn't want our home to be. His family lacked reformed principals, mine lacked basic order.
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| The most accurate representation of my siblings and I while growing up. |
I still would not be convinced a home of a large family could function without some level of chaos if I had not witnessed a family in our church. They have 9 children, ages spanning 23 to 1, 8 of whom are still living at home. My husband and I were asked to house sit for them when they went on vacation. We came over the night before they were leaving, and the house was lived in, but clean. Cleaner than my house growing up with was on an average day. The older daughters were making pepperoni rolls in their double ovens for car ride snacks. The younger boys were gathering outdoor toys to pack into the car, and mom and dad were sitting on the couch talking casually with us. There was no yelling, arguing, reminding so-and-so to do such-and-such. I was in awe, in my house, at least one of us would have come close to pommelling another one at that point, and my parents would be at their wit's end. The next morning, it was a similar phenomenon, breakfast was made, eaten and cleared, family worship was had, and they were all in the car with no fuss or struggle at any point. That was the moment, I decided that that is what I wanted my home to look like.
When my husband and I sat down and talked about how we would like our home and family to be and function when we were engaged, I was skeptical about how realistic some of my husband's, also my, expectations were. My husband, who was the oldest of 3, dreamed of a large family (shortly after we first met I learned he wanted 13 kids, all boys - YIKES!) that functioned in a beautiful custom built colonial home, which was always spotless and everybody was early risers, up before dawn with chores done, and the children spent their days practicing Latin and Greek and reading ancient theology textbooks in the original languages. Now I knew that the house I knew from childhood was not the norm and could be avoided, but the harmonious dream my husband laid before me, made me want to laugh.
Since that conversation, I think our expectations have made their way to be a lot closer to the ground than they once were. We have been graced with a wonderful, sweet, but very wiggly, chatty, and emotional little boy. Our son, Renwick, has left us clueless on more than one occasion on how to contain him in a Sunday morning worship service. He's made it clear to us that children are both a blessing and challenge from God.
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| Renwick, eating his birthday donut, on his 1st birthday |
That said, our expectations for our home, haven't actually changed all that much, but how we approach them, strive for them, and when and how we expect to come about have. We still want a home without chaos, where the children get along and have, and know their age-appropriate responsibilities, and are able to complete them in a timely and acceptable way. But going through the toddler years have shown us, that that is not an immediate skill to be taught and learned, and it takes time, prayer, and a trunk load of patience to get to that point.
More practically, I don't think this is something that everyone can be uniform on, or teach abstractly in words. Order is something we all should strive for, even as singles, where time is well-managed and not wasted. But what that looks like, and how we achieve it, and other goals and expectations will look different to every individual and family. I think it's best to have those people that have managed to do what you strive for. For some people, that might be your parents or grandparents, and that is so great. Do not underestimate that blessing. For us, that is just simply not the case, so we have several couples, including the family I mentioned earlier, from our church. And it's been so wonderful and great to get to know them and talk to them about their parenting woes. Because, especially in the beginning, it's all just making it up as you go, and hoping something works.
And as a final note, never underestimate the power and help of prayer. Yes, you need to pray for your family as a whole. Yes, you need to pray for your children, that they grow in grace and truth. Yes, you need to pray for the guidance of what is best for your family, and maybe that God would give you those role models in your life. And YES, you need to pray for patience, because nothing happens overnight, and, especially with toddlers, things often take one step forward and two steps back, and only by the grace of God can you push through without wanting to tear your hair out.
Any other practical tips, or funny out-of-this-world expectations you and/or your spouse had coming into marriage? Leave a comment to share!
God bless!
Any other practical tips, or funny out-of-this-world expectations you and/or your spouse had coming into marriage? Leave a comment to share!
God bless!
Monica
